death and destruction, oh my…

wow, sorry i haven’t posted for awhile. last week was absolutely insane for me. i am getting ready for two shows on the same night, one where i am dancing, the other fire spinning. the fire spinning has been exhilerating and frustrating at the same time. sometimes, i feel really old for how long it takes me to learn these moves, but i try to be gentle with myself. here are a couple of photos of me spinning fire:

and…

it’s kind of blurry, but i am kind of okay with that, too. it’s not technically the greatest picture, but it’s okay. it’s fun, anyway =)

in other news, i am generally a pretty positive person, but damn, it’s hard to be sunny today. about a week ago, i found out that one of my brothers is probably dying from cancer. in the ultimate act of irony, i was just flipping through my ipod on random, and "don’t worry, be happy" came on….back to the topic at hand…

my brother is mentally ill, doesn’t work and was awaiting disability, and is uninsured. one of the other brothers called to tell me, and was, like, telling me that i had to do something to get him on a special program or something through the university. i am not exactly sure what they expect from me. my brother has so much going against him, the one that’s sick. they found the cancer because he found a lump in his throat. when they called him back, they told him it had spread throughout his body. i feel kind of like a shitty person because my first thought was "i don’t think i can take care of someone just now who’s dying…" please know that my brother was not raised with everyone else in the family, and all my brothers are a minimum of 15 years older than me, so i’ve not been overly close with any of them, it’s like having another set of parents without the good stuff like uncoditional, nonjudgmental love =) i truly believe in my soul of soul’s that my brother is sick because he carries so much hatred in his heart. i wish him peace on this journey, but i just can’t do this again so soon….

yesterday, someone i ranger with out at burning man who had a heart condition, died. also last night, one of my husband’s coworkers and friends who’s wife had been in a coma but had just seemed to be recovering also passed away, she apparently couldn’t recover from losing her own mother and finally, when someone was posting about the ranger with the heart condition, someone else wrote in and told us that another friend who had been a ranger passed away last october. i knew all these people. this can’t even be a three thing, and if it is, we are now almost to multiples of three, as this makes six or more. one of my coworkers fathers is also dying, and she told me last week he had been referred to hospice.

i suppose this is one of the inevitable things about getting older, that people around you start dropping off, tragedy takes some, and others just seem to fade away, but it sure sucks. but demmit, 38 really isn’t that old! what’s going on here?

in spite of all this doom and gloom, things are reasonably okay. i think my girl has decided that she needs more from a relationship than i can give and while i am sad, i supppose it’s for the best. she hasn’t really spoken to me in about two weeks, and when i saw her last, she was telling me how her best friend and sister were telling her she couldn’t call me her girlfriend because we didn’t see each other enough to have a "real" relationship. i suppose if someone is going to listen to others like that, it’s probably not such a bad thing to not have this person anymore. i am sad, but not overly suprised.

i am sure this sounds like the most depressing post ever, but i really don’t feel depressed. i know that i am still grieving, and have good and bad days, but that’s to be expected. this friday, my sister is having surgery, a hysterectomy. i will be there with her, and then go to my performances, and then go back to stay with her in the hospital, so she won’t have to be alone.

so many good, beautiful people gone from the world, this week.

sad.

that’s about it for now, i needed to purge this. will write more later, when i can.

peace. 

good weekend…

boy, did i have a great weekend.

imagine this…i had the fate of at least two gorgeous and awesome ladies in my hands saturday night as i got to prepare them for JELLO WRESTLING!! it was all in good fun to raise money for a project i am assisting with for burning man this year, but it was interesting and titillating. heh. me and several others helped make the jello, not too warm, not too cool, but juuuust right, slicker than snot, and ewey gooey goodness. red jello…..it was all in good fun.

i miss my mom, and getting to tell her of my adventures or seek her advice when i struggle with things in life. this came to light for me last week or so when an unexpected professional opportunity presented itself. i have been asking for an upgrade to my job since i finished my degree and so far, nothing doing. my boss says she’s trying, but i think there’s more she could do, if she were more motivated, and i think the hr person who’s supposed to be helping her is still smarting from her own professional frustration from awhile ago. well, someone who supports me across the street at the main campus it transferred to another position, leaving hers open. after doing some soul-searching, i decided i needed to apply for this job in order to further myself professionally. but, the more i thought about it, the less right it seemed to be, so today, i spoke to my big boss again and told him there’s more for me to do here, still, but i do need for some things to change. i got his commitment that he would help me where he can, and he agrees with my assessment of things, and so now, i still wait. it’s okay, though…i feel better about the decision. what was so acute to me is that THIS is the sort of thing i generally would talk through with my mom, and she’s not here to talk it through with anymore. she probably would have told me "those folks have been so good to you…don’t burn your bridges, those are good people"…which i know, but i also need to take care of my family. if i had gone against her advice she still would have said "well, that’s okay, dear….if you think this will be the best for you, that’s what you have to do". mom’s and unconditional love are like that. i expect to blunder often without her sage personage to bounce things off, her balancing and wise psyche to advise me, but when i think about it, she’s still there, in my heart, and i think i knew her well enough that i can probably predict most of her responses, it’s just still so sad to me that i have to talk into space now rather than interact with my mom, so that i can kiss her on the cheek, tell her i love her, and thank her for listening to me.

there’s a lot more to say, but that will have to be it for now. it’s time to go home. going to see my girl tonight, that should be fun times. spent a lot of the weekend with d….overall, life is awesome.

will write more when i can….

peace….who would have thought that before 40, i could say i’d lived through two wars?

not me.