insecurity and conflict….

yes, it was an interesting thing.

last night my magickal group met, and it was a good class. i feel like i am learning some stuff, but then in other ways i feel like a perpetual slacker because i feel like maybe i should spend more time studying this stuff than i do. but maybe this is just the way it’s supposed to be.

i have been tired the last few days. there was some drama with my nephew that left me discouraged that someone so young could so immediately turn to violence to solve his problems. i tried to explain to him that violence will merely perpetuate more violence, but he doesn’t want to hear that. neither does our president. but the president didn’t get two stitches in his nose, a broken nose, and a broken wrist for trying to solve his problems using violence. instead, he gets to send other people to die. what a morbid and twisted thought THAT is. and so very sad and very true.

so, when i got to class last night, one of my class mates had created some "divination dice" awhile back, and i think she is trying to get them charged with all the magickal energy she can because the last two classes, in the period where we visit before we begin class, she has had them out and rather pointedly said "hey, wanna try my divination dice?" this week i took them and rolled and i bot two blanks and a geometric figure i could probably not reproduce and she said that meant i was currently experiencing indecisiveness, insecurity and coflict. how did those dice know that i am flirting with someone knew and feeling worried about whether or not she will be scared away because i am married, if her expectations of me will be too much or more than i can give, whether or not she will like me, and why she gave me her phone number, but when i tried to call her and got her voice mail, i didn’t leave my own number. these are things that make you go hmmmmm.

i have been working on breath exercises lately and it’s been a pretty interesting thing for me. i hadn’t realized how much what thoughts or feelings i am experiencing at the time really affects how much air i let my body breathe in. i wonder tangentially if this (i just types shit by mistake….freudian slip? hahahaha) affects my health on a lot of different levels and i am sure that it does. one of the things that i notice that is kind of scary for me is that when i am at my house, i have to make a concentrated effort to breathe deeply and meditatively there. i feel conflicted and suppressed there. it’s the weight of people’s expectations in that house, that surround me like the fur balls i refuse to clean up until we get some nice, warm weather so i do not polish floors that will immediately become muddy again when people and dogs and cats tromp through without regard to who might have cleaned things in the not-too-distant past.

and why is the cat having such a hard time going to the bathroom in the litter box? this is frustrating me.

i feel like i am getting my groove back to writing here. like i am done, maybe, being mad at the diarymaster for not giving me a free paid diary, even though i didn’t ask when i was feeling whimpy and pressured about money when my diary expired. i might finally be over that.

peace.