What was the most painful thing I ever went through?!

 

(this post was from Open Diary, my first online journaling home, and when they were awesome, they used to post a "theme of the week". This was my response to that weeks theme.)

Without a doubt, the most painful thing I have ever gone through is the process and act or losing this woman. This is me and my mom. She passed away in December of 2006. The year she left us, this was the picture we took on opening day of the Oakland A’s. She was a rabid Bay Area baseball fan, really a fan of all baseball.

She was ready to go, but that didn’t make it suck any less. She had a massive stroke that pretty much decimated 3/4’s of her brain. Had she had a milder stroke, she would have woken with us talking about amputation for one of her feet, that had become gangrenous due to complications from type 2 diabetes.

She was my best friend. I miss her every day. There are a million ways in which I wish she was still here, or that I could talk to her again. But not at the cost of her continuing to live or being more disabled than she became at the end. She told me, once, near the end, “If anything happens to me, you let me go. I HATE being disabled! I have been a strong independent woman my entire life and now I’m not. I am done with this life, when it’s my time, I am ready to go.”

After the stroke, we had no way to take care of her at home, so she had to go to a nursing home. I lived with her in the nursing home until she passed. The sad and terrible thing about that is that it was a relatively new facility at the time and I was the first person who ever stayed with their loved one so they would not have to die alone.

Yeah, that. You only get to help your parents and loved ones die with dignity once. Put the paperwork in place if and as soon as you can. We didn’t do that and it caused more pain in the end, I think. But I will always be glad I advocated for my mom and her wishes.

Peace.

What was the most painful thing you ever went through? What did you learn from it?

Remember to tag your entry #TOTW68 down at the bottom, so it will end up on the Theme Page!

Preparing for the future…

 One thing I haven’t written about here. Just shy of six years ago, my son was active duty in the Army. He was on his third deployment to Afghanistan and I  think he would agree the most difficult. He used to message me while I was at work, and we’d talk about things that didn’t have to do with war. He was starting to dream of life outside the military, and that turned to future plans. I think Americans have like, this innate sense of a need, in some respects to pioneer. I’m sure like our forefathers, the IDEA of pioneering or off-grid is often very different from reality.

My son bought some property site unseen in very rural county in which we live in Nevada. I drove out to scope it out for him. We would talk all sorts of plans for the future.  I’d like to think it helped keep him sane during that last deployment…

As time and plans changed,  he ended up getting out of the army and settling in Washington state. He bought a lovely house and was happy there. He now lives overseas, but just shy of four years ago, he told me he would need to sell the Nevada property. I told him not to, discussed with my husband, and we bought it from him.

There is something magical about this place. It’s so quiet. It’s in a valley with hardly any trees, but surrounded by mountains. We call it the Kowbus Kompound and Manifestation Station. As of now, it’s our off-grid retirement plan. I think this blog may turn in to my Kow Bus story land and documentation.

Here’s a sunset:

That’s what I’ve got for now….

Peace.

 

Updates, again….

 So much for the daily….or even weekly thing. But, here I am.

I have now been doing Keto for over a month. I believe my blood sugars have stabilized, which feels good. A couple of weeks ago, I started a “21-day fix” exercise program with my daughter. Health-wise, I am feeling good. I somewhat feel old….my body hurts. Cardio-wise, I feel like I am managing well, but man, working the muscles again makes them angry and sore =) And when it goes away, it starts to feel better =) We are going with that….

Earlier this morning, I was feeling super contemplative, I’ve been that way recently. As the wheel of the year turns, I have been ruminating lately on the passage of time. Seeing babies grow, people I know die, others getting cancer and facing uncertain futures….grand children, the passage of time goes ever onward. It’s all so fleeting.

I’m still feeling the contemplation, I felt kind of dumb on Saturday, came across Toy Story 3 and was balling my eyes out as Andy is getting ready to go to college, finds new homes for his toys. So much time, so many transitions…it all seems to go by so quickly sometimes. I want to remember it all, and I know I can’t. Precious things happening always.

My grand daughter recently spent a week in the hospital. Her older siblings each attend a different public school; the poor kid didn’t have a chance with a new bug coming home on an almost daily basis. She got RSV, but then it developed into pneumonia. Her little lungs, it was so hard for her to breathe, it was very sad. My daughter is such a trooper and handled things so well. I remember sitting in the hospital telling her about when her older brother had had pneumonia when he was a baby. Holy crap, that was 30 years ago!

I participated in the Women’s March in my area Saturday. I am so glad I did.

I’m in the middle…

I had an interesting interaction the other day, Friday. I was having lunch with a co-worker, we were seated in the middle of the restaurant, we were flanked by an elderly man on our left, who was sitting with a lady, and on the right, in the far back corner, another older white man. My co-worker was asking me some questions about the current state of the government, impeachment, and we were talking about the orange cheetoh shit gibbon. I was talking about the UK Parliamentary system, and how if a majority of both houses of parliament give a no-confidence vote, essentially, the Prime Minister loses their job. WHY DON’T WE HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THAT IN THE US?!? So, we went on to talk. I saw out of the corner of my eye, as I had been talking, that the man and woman on my left were occasionally shaking or nodding their heads. The man on the right was getting more rigid and angry as I spoke. When the couple went to leave, the man clapped me on the shoulder and said “Young lady, we agree with everything you just said, you are intelligent and well-spoken. We appreciate your words.” Not to be out done, the guy in the corner speaks up and says “Yeah? Well, I’m sitting here too, and I happen to have a different opinion. I happen to think our president is doing a great job and is the greatest president since Ronald Reagan. My opinion matters too.” I said “Absolutely. You are entitled to it.” Blink. Blink. There was nothing I was going to say that was going to change this man’s mind, and he wasn’t going to change my mind. My co-worker thanked me for my restraint, which allowed him his own, but it was a near thing. We were eating at a burrito place. At the Women’s March, I loved this sign….

Perhaps my favorite though, which perfectly exemplified what happened at lunch on Friday was “Uuuggh. Where do I even begin?!?” Or something similar. Where, indeed?!

Now, I am out of time to spend on this reflection.

I am thankful for all the things. Today and always. I recognize my privilege and strive to make the world a better place.

Aho!

Another year is coming to a close….

 And I see that the last time I updated was almost a year ago. I just saw the automatic payment go through for the next year of writing. And I haven’t written. But I probably need to.

I’ve been on a mostly keto lifestyle now for the last year, and it’s gotten a lot easier. I would say that my downfall, always, is potatoes. I just love them so. hahaha….I am not someone who can do deprivation dieting, so I try to have them once a week. Sometimes I make that and sometimes I don’t, but I try to have small portions when I do, sometimes hahaha. I don’t really miss bread anymore. If I eat pizza, it’s largely gluten free. I really liked making the taco shells out of cheese but man, oh man, is that rich. I don’t take the time to do that all the time. BUT, if I’m craving bread or something like that, I’ll have a single slice, toast, or make keto bread, which tends to be very dense.

For about four years, I spent a lot of time working for a “friend” and helping him run his hostel. It really sucked a lot of my life. I allowed this and I think that’s an important lesson for me. I worked for almost free and willingly took on the responsibility of keeping this man’s business running. I don’t feel like he ever really appreciated my efforts or valued my contribution. A year ago, he tried to throw me away with the other trash, and he almost literally couldn’t because he didn’t even know all the things I did. Finally, things came to a breaking point not long ago. Another friend and I were running the thing, me being more behind the scenes, and I had said I would stay involved as long as he wasn’t. He came back full force, and some people got treated poorly, and I could no longer stay a part of that. I am really struck now about how miserable I was, how I put all this pressure on myself, and allowed my boundaries to constantly be violated and had no personal time, time with my family, but this was “important” to me. It feels so good not to be around there any more. It is and was a toxic environment, there’s so much to it, I can’t even. The most important thing is that I am seeing it now and moving on…I’ll always treasure the experience and the memories and friendships I formed, but am incredibly thankful to no longer be a part of that shit show. The relief is tangible.

In another sense, I may have jumped from the frying pan and into the fire. Not really, but I wanted to have a reason NOT to be able to backslip on my shiny new resolve…and, with hubby medically retired, I needed to see about making that money up. So I took another part time, hourly job with another place near and dear to my heart…Burning Man. For about 11 years, they did a thing called the “Global Leadership Conference”…where folks from around the world get together to talk about and see how the Burning Man ethos is being implemented and how people are interpreting it around the world. I’ve been involved with these folks since 2001, and have volunteered for them since 2002 in various capacities. Now, there is going to be an event in MY town that will be whatever the GLC is evolving in to. It’s fun, and I’m beyond excited….

Travel is a pretty constant in my life and I love that, I just wish I earned more leave. That statement is kind of ridiculous when I look at how much time I’ve had off this year, to do cool things, but it’s never enough =) Last month, I went on a Mexican Riviera cruise with my sis and her guy. Tomorrow, I leave for Germany, to spend the holiday with my son. I have a year old grand baby that I will be meeting for the first time. They live in Kuwait, my son works for Boeing, and they have to make Visa trips a couple times a year. I am beyond excited! And….I need to remember to update here more. I am going to go now, and do some other stuff….will try to write more. Here, have some Mexico…

Oh, and Happy Holidays, if you celebrate all or any of that rot. Soon, the Solstice, and the death of the Holly King and rebirth of the Sun King.

The older I get, the less I like cold.

So much updating….

 There are so many things that have happened in the almost decade since I wrote here regularly. Is it worth it to recount everything? I’m not sure I could remember everything if I tried =)

Maybe that’s not the approach….maybe meandering through my brain, things will come up, and we’ll leave it at that =)

Last night was fun. I feel like I’ve been running this whole week. One of my besties had her birthday last night and we had asked her what she wanted to do. She wanted to go eat gluten-free pizza and drive around looking at Christmas tree lights. Sold!

That’s me on the far left of the picture. We were out until almost 10, though, which is past my bedtime, so I’m sleepy this morning. I hadn’t felt much Christmas spirit this year, so it was cool to be child-like and roam around town, twisting and turning wherever it looked like we could see light displays. Still not a Christian, respect all belief systems, but tend more towards the solstices and nature-based stuff and generally eschew all organized religion. I like the season for what it is. I HAVE GRAND KIDS NOW!! Seven of them, to be precise =) It’s so much fun! I enjoy it for their sake, the looks on their faces. It doesn’t all have to mean something…or enjoying it for the sake of the magic it brings to our lives. I absolutely loathe rampant consumerism, so I tend to try to gift people experiences or less material things. Christmas is a cool time of the year.

There is a cookie exchange that I’ve participated in for about a dozen years that’s coming up this weekend. I feel sort of ambivalent about going, part of me wants to because this is the only time of year I see some of these folks, which in itself is sad. It’s also work. Baking six dozen cookies is no joke. Plus, just recently, I’ve started transitioning to a Keto lifestyle. There are conversations that go along with all this….I am basically making things I cannot eat for people I see once a year. Ahhhh, friendship…..hahaha…I will be glad I did it when we are all sitting around eating and laughing and wondering why we don’t get together more often on Saturday afternoon, but right now, it just feels like work.

So, about this Keto thing and the sad state of affairs for Americans. Our health care system is so broken. I know anyone who doesn’t have Congressional benefits knows this, but I got a very small taste of the degree to which it is broken this year and I’m so disgusted, I can’t even. I work for the state, so I have been pretty insulated with this type of thing and while I knew and advocated for things to become better, it was always at arms reach because I knew I had decent benefits. Then, this year, my insurance got into an argument with the large HMO provider in the area that covered us, and the HMO threatened to pull coverage. I saw the notices go by, but then they told us they had worked out their difficulties and everything was fine, we could still use our same providers and such. Except that was a lie. We can still use the same providers, but they have moved us from an HMO into some “premium preferred provider” service, which means nothing has changed….and everything has changed. They changed the pharmacy provider, because why the hell not?!? So, starting JULY 1, I had to start battling with the insurance companies just to receive medication I’ve been on for over five years. New provider means “proving” you need your medications again. I’m diabetic folks….I’m not trashing my liver for general fun and entertainment, I’m taking meds to try to stay alive. We need single-payer now. We need to take profit out of medical care, period. Ugggh….so disgusted, I cannot even.

So, basically, I decided if there were anything in my control I could do to not be dependent on this stupid, broken system, I had to do it or the medical establishment is going to kill me. I’d read about and done research on the Keto lifestyle and have decided to try it. I played around and slowly started cutting back carbs about a month ago, but went sort of hard core, 25-30 carbs a day five days ago. It’s kind of hard because changing routine behavior is hard. Learning how to cook differently takes thought and mindfulness. Reading ALL THE LABELS takes time and effort. It’s also disgusting to me how Americans tend to put sugar in ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING we eat. Regular, jarred spaghetti sauce? It’s made from tomatoes, it should only have the carbs of the fruit, but if you read the label, they almost always put a ton of sugar in it! So gross. I’ve often been lazy about what I’ve eaten and it’s easy to just not think about it. But we all should, because American’s, in general eat atrociously and with a mind towards convenience, not health. I hate preachy vegans or any other type of food person, but from my personal experience, so far, this is a way of eating that makes my body happy. This week is the first week I’ve had blood sugar values under 200 in a looong time, and it feels different, but good. That’s enough about that, for now.

That’s my immediate morning

Keto, week one…

 

This is more for myself and my tracking purposes. Last week, I started Keto pretty full-bore. I protest the disgusting state of health care in our country and I vow to do everything in my power to obtain optimal health so said sucky system does not kill me.

I have been a type 2 diabetic for over a decade. My mom died from complications of Diabetes, and I do not want to go like that. If I die when my mom died, I have 27 years left of life. I’d love to be around longer than that. I want to see my grand children grown with children of their own, I have lots left to do.

So, last Sunday I hit it hard. I knew this would be a challenging time because this last Saturday, yesterday, was going to be an annual cookie exchange I have participated in for more than a decade. I started out thinking I would make keto-friendly cookies for everyone, but once I got a load of the prices for ingredients for keto baking, I decided everyone got one keto bar and I would make the rest regular =) I actually did really well making the things and not eating them all =)

I chose lemon bars this year. Not something I’d done before. They looked super easy, then when I started making them, I remembered what a pain zesting a lemon was. All things considered, though, it wasn’t too bad. And I found a keto version. Then they all didn’t turn out the way I wanted, so I supplemented with chocolate chip cookies. I also have stuff to make keto chocolate chip cookies, but that’s another task for another day.

Here are observations after one week:

1. This is the first time since the medication debacle began back in July that I’ve had consistent blood sugar numbers under 200! Yay!
2. I generally have a very hard time with leg and foot cramps at night. Since beginning a keto way of eating, I have not had any cramps.
3. I think I am starting to feel higher energy.
4. I know that if I come from a place of deprivation, I cannot succeed on a diet. Keto seems to have a lot of options and ways to make food that make me not feel deprived. I like this a lot.
5. It really isn’t that hard, it’s just a different way of eating. Honestly, the bread and potatoes thing is the hardest for me. I’ve always said, if there were a friend potato diet, I would be thing. The Irish in me, perhaps.

That’s about it.

I live in a beautiful place. The pic is a sunrise from a couple days ago. Taken by my friend Pinktini

Enjoy your Sunday, everyone!

The last scary decision…

(this was a transferred post from Open Diary, my first online journaling home. They used to do a "topic of the week" and that is my response to that weeks post.)

What was the last scary decision that you made?!

Wow. That’s putting things out there. There are a lot of scary decisions to be made, always. There are those that say that the definition of courage is being terrified of something…..and doing it anyway =) That’s kind of my philosophy, if you will.

In June of this year, I had an opportunity. I prior scary decision had paid off in spades. After Burning Man in 2016, I made a commitment with some friends that we were GOING to go to New Zealand….to attend a regional burn, Kiwi Burn. As time passed, all the people who had also agreed to go, dropped by the wayside, but dammit, I had decided I was going to go and was determined. I went by myself. I spent three weeks there and had an amazing time and made what have turned into friendships I still cherish and cultivate, hoping they will be lifelong.

Two of those friendships were with an awesome couple named Cody and Ally. She was from Scotland, he from Canada and they’d met globetrotting in Australia and I encountered them in New Zealand at Kiwi Burn. We’d remained in touch, mostly through Facebook. I knew they were getting married in 2018, but hadn’t really thought much about it . I got a message one day asking me about an RSVP, the wedding was to be held in Nova Scotia. Hmmm…never been there, might be fun. Talk to the happy couple and they offer me space in the lodge where the wedding is, so it will really only be plane fare and a few days of lodging, and I can see a cool place.

Aaaaaannnnd, GO!

Did it! Always glad, had an amazing time, would definitely go back, and I am again amazed at how, when you direct your energy in specific places, it’s so awesome to see how the universe works, with your energy, for things to find a way =)