thoughts on culture and humanity…

 i’ve been thinking a lot lately. thinking about what makes us who we are and how people who experience the same things can interpret or process them so differently. this is a constant wonder to me. i try very hard to understand people.

i have seen this a lot in studying my nephew and my son. they are very different and yet, in a lot of ways, they are a lot alike. my nephew, when he joined the army, he was drifting. he was existing for the next time he could get wasted, and that’s no way to live. he’s a really smart kid, but i think he was sort of trapped in the "why should i help myself? everyone else will help me.." he went through several friends, he was sort of a mooch, he was just directionless. i think it was also sort of toxic for him to be around his mom so much. the army was good for him. he doesn’t always like it, but when i talk to him, he talks about being afraid of reporting his aches and pains because he doesn’t want them to kick him out. it’s like he rails against the structure, but it also seems to be good for him, and i think he realizes that. he has a lot of aches and pains because he never really participated in sports or much of anything dealing with physical agility or sports the first 20 years of his life. i got to the point where i didn’t know how much more i could do for him. that made me sad, but at some point, a person has to take responsibility for themselves.

my son is different, but then, not so different. he is so much like me, he scares me, but with a decidedly more violent and young perspective =) i know i wasn’t always agreeable, but he sometimes channels his negative energy in destructive and violent ways that stun me. in the times he has drilled with the national guard here, he has talked about how much he likes it. he craves the discipline, he says it reminds him of being back in football in high school. he enjoys the physicality of things, the comaraderie that develops among the troops who have only their bodies to shield them from the abuse of those in charge. i am scared to death for him, and for his being in the army. i only hope that by the time he gets to the point where he can encounter a dangerous situation, the world status and outright aggression of the united states will have been tempered enough to largely keep him out of harms way. my son is a hero-type. he’s a leader and that makes me afraid for him. but then, at times, i still see that sensitivity in him that is the thing that made me rent "schindlers list" for him to watch at home…i knew he would cry, and i wanted him to be prepared for it and be able to show his emotions at home. as he prepares to leave for the army, he is sort of couch surfing at our house and so i’ve gotten some more time with him lately. we were eating lunch the other day and we all started crying, remembering my mom. i will always cherish this time i’ve had with him, before he leaves. it’s amazing to me that i raised this man that i see before me.

so all this got me to thinking about how as we become adults, it’s almost an expectation for us to become separate from most of the people in our lives. we get caught up in our own stuff and it’s like we forget to maintain the relationships that will, at some point, sustain us. that doesn’t seem fair. he is still friends with all his football buddies, but they have scattered to the winds. i remember thinking it amazing that this one’s parent died, someone had a brain anuerism, that was killed in a drunk driving accident. he’s actually been much better than i ever was at maintaining those relationships, but then, mine back then weren’t near as strong as his. i had a miserable time in high school and he did not.

i suppose i am feeling pensive today.

just sharing thoughts…

peace.

busy bee....

that's me. i love this stage in the creative process. the fire arts festival is almost taking on a life of it's own. feel free to click it's link to read about that. wrote a grant last week and pondered it over the weekend before i promptly forgot about it in all the girly goodness that took place over the weekend, came home after some personal drama i will mention in a minute friday afternoon, then panicked because it was grant deadline day, but i got it in, in time. *whew*

so, last weekend, i drove to the bay area for some girly time. one of my burning man/ranger friends is getting married in march, and this was to be her bachelorette slumber party. it was a lot of fun. we have made a commitment to see each other more often and this would be a great goodness in my life.

on driving down, i procrastinated the morning, as the weather was looking dark and i didn't want to encounter bad weather. when all looked as good as it was going to get and still be light outside, i made my way, enjoying the trees, the change of scenery from the starkness of the dryer side of the sierra's, in nevada and eastern california heading into the mountains, then the damp looking but too dry and bare mountains near the tops of passes and finally the lush greenery descending into the sacramento valley. that drive will also be special and beautiful and represent to me all that's great in the west and in my world...

eating. my god. did we eat at this girls retreat/weekend. there was one of those mile high chocolate things that looked home made. it was so divine that more than a few bites rendered one sugar coma-rific. and some of the yummiest soups i've ever eaten. veggie, thai, potato/bacony goodness. drinking, check. laughter, massage, hottub, and just friendliness! got to know some new people i'd never met and got to get better aquainted with some i hadn't known quite so well. gained more respect for many. wow. i am so blessed to know some amazing people!

collapse. inevitable around 4:30am. sleeping on pad in one room. bodies of beautiful women everywhere. up around 8:30am, sunday came way too soon. visitation by the divine juice fairy, bagels, tea, water, leftovers, more chocolate.

drove in to the city briefly for a costume fitting that seemed not meant to be. address frailty, miscommunication and slight disappointment, smart enough to see the signs, this not so much meant to be. must get on the road, ominous clouds looming.

back home. make it most of the way in what seems like pretty mild weather. stop to eat and gas and enter a storm of epic proportions. get turned around without snow chains and head back to colfax. thankfully have diana gabaldon audio books to keep me company, sleeping in my car in colfax under the brutal glare of a strip mall parking lot light. because of the awesome weekend had my favorite pillow and a very warm blankie to keep me warm. what an adventure! i made it through and got home midday on monday. it was still fun and i wouldn't have traded a single moment of the entire weekend.

these are the things memories are made of =)

peace.

busy bee….

that’s me. i love this stage in the creative process. the fire arts festival is almost taking on a life of it’s own. feel free to click it’s link to read about that. wrote a grant last week and pondered it over the weekend before i promptly forgot about it in all the girly goodness that took place over the weekend, came home after some personal drama i will mention in a minute friday afternoon, then panicked because it was grant deadline day, but i got it in, in time. *whew*

so, last weekend, i drove to the bay area for some girly time. one of my burning man/ranger friends is getting married in march, and this was to be her bachelorette slumber party. it was a lot of fun. we have made a commitment to see each other more often and this would be a great goodness in my life.

on driving down, i procrastinated the morning, as the weather was looking dark and i didn’t want to encounter bad weather. when all looked as good as it was going to get and still be light outside, i made my way, enjoying the trees, the change of scenery from the starkness of the dryer side of the sierra’s, in nevada and eastern california heading into the mountains, then the damp looking but too dry and bare mountains near the tops of passes and finally the lush greenery descending into the sacramento valley. that drive will also be special and beautiful and represent to me all that’s great in the west and in my world…

eating. my god. did we eat at this girls retreat/weekend. there was one of those mile high chocolate things that looked home made. it was so divine that more than a few bites rendered one sugar coma-rific. and some of the yummiest soups i’ve ever eaten. veggie, thai, potato/bacony goodness. drinking, check. laughter, massage, hottub, and just friendliness! got to know some new people i’d never met and got to get better aquainted with some i hadn’t known quite so well. gained more respect for many. wow. i am so blessed to know some amazing people!

collapse. inevitable around 4:30am. sleeping on pad in one room. bodies of beautiful women everywhere. up around 8:30am, sunday came way too soon. visitation by the divine juice fairy, bagels, tea, water, leftovers, more chocolate.

drove in to the city briefly for a costume fitting that seemed not meant to be. address frailty, miscommunication and slight disappointment, smart enough to see the signs, this not so much meant to be. must get on the road, ominous clouds looming.

back home. make it most of the way in what seems like pretty mild weather. stop to eat and gas and enter a storm of epic proportions. get turned around without snow chains and head back to colfax. thankfully have diana gabaldon audio books to keep me company, sleeping in my car in colfax under the brutal glare of a strip mall parking lot light. because of the awesome weekend had my favorite pillow and a very warm blankie to keep me warm. what an adventure! i made it through and got home midday on monday. it was still fun and i wouldn’t have traded a single moment of the entire weekend.

these are the things memories are made of =)

peace.

beauty, everywhere...

my sister and i underwent an exercise in nostalgia the other day; actually last weekend. we went through all our family photos and such, picking out a first batch to scan and post on the internet. mostly, i want them to be there. if they are on the internet, no matter what happens, they will likely be there if i put them in enough places =) my worst fear is a fire or something where i would lose such things. so much history....even if it's only meaningful to me, it matters. every persons story matters. i might occassionally post snippets from those long days gone by here. it seems to be a decent idea.

last night, a friend from the area who teaches at several fitness clubs around town came and taught our fire group a "zumba" class. it's a latin-fusion type thing...super high energy and much fun. i felt exhilerated from it and was proud that i was able to keep up the entire time. heck, at this rate, i might even try a pole dancing class =) that would be pretty funny, but i also have a friend who has a studio that does that. might be fun, who knows? couldn't hurt, right?

there just isn't a day, lately, where i am not thankful to be alive and be living this life. i love my life, even on the not-so-good days. i have become a marginal facebook addict, which is fun too. it's interesting to keep up with friends throughout the day, and being able to post my day. it's almost like open diary taken to the next level. one could say that it's more superficial than this, perhaps, but there's still the ability. i've noticed something interesting in the last few years...when we first starting being on the internet, it's like the allure was the anonymity of it. like, you could be whoever you wanted and that appealed to so many people! now, it's sort of evolved into being proud of your online identity, or like you can't hide anyway, so you might as well "out with it" and accept the consequences. THAT part of things seems more genuine now, than when i first got on the internet. or, that could just be my perception. some say perception is reality =)

i am trying to stay more politically aware of things. i love many of the things obama has done so far. i love the message he gave to the arab tv station. i love that he said there will be no more waterboarding and guantanmo bay will close within a year, although i can wish it were sooner. i love that he repealed the global gag order in relation to world family planning. i am also reading his book " the audacity of hope". i am encouraged, but still jaded enough by at least the last eight years to be cautious and approach this new hope with trepidation.

i think that's all i have to say for now. trying to get back in the habit and taking the time to write more. we will see =)

peace.

beauty, everywhere…

my sister and i underwent an exercise in nostalgia the other day; actually last weekend. we went through all our family photos and such, picking out a first batch to scan and post on the internet. mostly, i want them to be there. if they are on the internet, no matter what happens, they will likely be there if i put them in enough places =) my worst fear is a fire or something where i would lose such things. so much history….even if it’s only meaningful to me, it matters. every persons story matters. i might occassionally post snippets from those long days gone by here. it seems to be a decent idea.

last night, a friend from the area who teaches at several fitness clubs around town came and taught our fire group a "zumba" class. it’s a latin-fusion type thing…super high energy and much fun. i felt exhilerated from it and was proud that i was able to keep up the entire time. heck, at this rate, i might even try a pole dancing class =) that would be pretty funny, but i also have a friend who has a studio that does that. might be fun, who knows? couldn’t hurt, right?

there just isn’t a day, lately, where i am not thankful to be alive and be living this life. i love my life, even on the not-so-good days. i have become a marginal facebook addict, which is fun too. it’s interesting to keep up with friends throughout the day, and being able to post my day. it’s almost like open diary taken to the next level. one could say that it’s more superficial than this, perhaps, but there’s still the ability. i’ve noticed something interesting in the last few years…when we first starting being on the internet, it’s like the allure was the anonymity of it. like, you could be whoever you wanted and that appealed to so many people! now, it’s sort of evolved into being proud of your online identity, or like you can’t hide anyway, so you might as well "out with it" and accept the consequences. THAT part of things seems more genuine now, than when i first got on the internet. or, that could just be my perception. some say perception is reality =)

i am trying to stay more politically aware of things. i love many of the things obama has done so far. i love the message he gave to the arab tv station. i love that he said there will be no more waterboarding and guantanmo bay will close within a year, although i can wish it were sooner. i love that he repealed the global gag order in relation to world family planning. i am also reading his book " the audacity of hope". i am encouraged, but still jaded enough by at least the last eight years to be cautious and approach this new hope with trepidation.

i think that’s all i have to say for now. trying to get back in the habit and taking the time to write more. we will see =)

peace.

music is poetry…

 on the yahoo group for my bellydance community, someone posted this amazing video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch

music is truly poetry:

Sun been down for days
A pretty flower in a vase
A slipper by the fireplace
A cello lying in its case

Soon she’s down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And She goes…
Nobody knows

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And She goes…
Nobody knows

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
Where people are pleasently strange
And counting the change
And She goes…
Nobody knows

i think perhaps i will let that stand on its own for now. i have some updating to do, but i am still sort of masticating on what it is i want to say. what i will say is that i haven’t felt this hopeful for a long time. it feels good.

le sigh.

peace, for now.

still hanging in there....

i got to talk to my nephew online the other day. he's been back in georgia for just over a week now. he says he's depressed to be back there, but still managing okay in school. the day i talked to him was because he was having some stomach trouble, so had been placed on bed rest.

things are sort of starting to heat up with the fire arts festival, pun somewhat intended =) our guy who we showcased with his metal sculpture last year is coming back, among some other folks. our first grant review is next week, and i am excited and nervous! this would be a big boon to us, if we got this grant!

in other news, i've been doing some web stuff on the side, and have a couple of cool sites to brag about. i helped a friend do his site, which is now operational. his name is david and he operates "west coast juggling". i also do my friend leilani's site, she can be found here. then, i redid the controlled burn website, which can be accessed on the side there, as well as the fire arts festival website. it's been busy, busy but good.

i am trying to get some guest teachers to come and do some different dance types for controlled burn. i hope i am able to make this happen because i think it will be super fun! some folks decided to take january off. we don't have any pending gigs, but time off is time to get out of the habit of doing something, i say =)

in only a short two weeks from tomorrow, bellydancing starts up again. i have a couple of work friends convinced to take it, and i think my daughter wants to take it too, so there will be a whole passel of new bellydancers learning this semester! i didn't get in to the advanced welding class which sort of makes me sad, but i will keep trying. i want to finish my piece, if nothing else. i think it will look cool. maybe i will take a picture of it as it is and post it.

at any rate, that's what's up with me right now. i am looking forward to the inauguration. i am hopeful that a new administration will listen to the people.

peace.