thoughts on culture and humanity…

 i’ve been thinking a lot lately. thinking about what makes us who we are and how people who experience the same things can interpret or process them so differently. this is a constant wonder to me. i try very hard to understand people.

i have seen this a lot in studying my nephew and my son. they are very different and yet, in a lot of ways, they are a lot alike. my nephew, when he joined the army, he was drifting. he was existing for the next time he could get wasted, and that’s no way to live. he’s a really smart kid, but i think he was sort of trapped in the "why should i help myself? everyone else will help me.." he went through several friends, he was sort of a mooch, he was just directionless. i think it was also sort of toxic for him to be around his mom so much. the army was good for him. he doesn’t always like it, but when i talk to him, he talks about being afraid of reporting his aches and pains because he doesn’t want them to kick him out. it’s like he rails against the structure, but it also seems to be good for him, and i think he realizes that. he has a lot of aches and pains because he never really participated in sports or much of anything dealing with physical agility or sports the first 20 years of his life. i got to the point where i didn’t know how much more i could do for him. that made me sad, but at some point, a person has to take responsibility for themselves.

my son is different, but then, not so different. he is so much like me, he scares me, but with a decidedly more violent and young perspective =) i know i wasn’t always agreeable, but he sometimes channels his negative energy in destructive and violent ways that stun me. in the times he has drilled with the national guard here, he has talked about how much he likes it. he craves the discipline, he says it reminds him of being back in football in high school. he enjoys the physicality of things, the comaraderie that develops among the troops who have only their bodies to shield them from the abuse of those in charge. i am scared to death for him, and for his being in the army. i only hope that by the time he gets to the point where he can encounter a dangerous situation, the world status and outright aggression of the united states will have been tempered enough to largely keep him out of harms way. my son is a hero-type. he’s a leader and that makes me afraid for him. but then, at times, i still see that sensitivity in him that is the thing that made me rent "schindlers list" for him to watch at home…i knew he would cry, and i wanted him to be prepared for it and be able to show his emotions at home. as he prepares to leave for the army, he is sort of couch surfing at our house and so i’ve gotten some more time with him lately. we were eating lunch the other day and we all started crying, remembering my mom. i will always cherish this time i’ve had with him, before he leaves. it’s amazing to me that i raised this man that i see before me.

so all this got me to thinking about how as we become adults, it’s almost an expectation for us to become separate from most of the people in our lives. we get caught up in our own stuff and it’s like we forget to maintain the relationships that will, at some point, sustain us. that doesn’t seem fair. he is still friends with all his football buddies, but they have scattered to the winds. i remember thinking it amazing that this one’s parent died, someone had a brain anuerism, that was killed in a drunk driving accident. he’s actually been much better than i ever was at maintaining those relationships, but then, mine back then weren’t near as strong as his. i had a miserable time in high school and he did not.

i suppose i am feeling pensive today.

just sharing thoughts…

peace.

busy bee....

that's me. i love this stage in the creative process. the fire arts festival is almost taking on a life of it's own. feel free to click it's link to read about that. wrote a grant last week and pondered it over the weekend before i promptly forgot about it in all the girly goodness that took place over the weekend, came home after some personal drama i will mention in a minute friday afternoon, then panicked because it was grant deadline day, but i got it in, in time. *whew*

so, last weekend, i drove to the bay area for some girly time. one of my burning man/ranger friends is getting married in march, and this was to be her bachelorette slumber party. it was a lot of fun. we have made a commitment to see each other more often and this would be a great goodness in my life.

on driving down, i procrastinated the morning, as the weather was looking dark and i didn't want to encounter bad weather. when all looked as good as it was going to get and still be light outside, i made my way, enjoying the trees, the change of scenery from the starkness of the dryer side of the sierra's, in nevada and eastern california heading into the mountains, then the damp looking but too dry and bare mountains near the tops of passes and finally the lush greenery descending into the sacramento valley. that drive will also be special and beautiful and represent to me all that's great in the west and in my world...

eating. my god. did we eat at this girls retreat/weekend. there was one of those mile high chocolate things that looked home made. it was so divine that more than a few bites rendered one sugar coma-rific. and some of the yummiest soups i've ever eaten. veggie, thai, potato/bacony goodness. drinking, check. laughter, massage, hottub, and just friendliness! got to know some new people i'd never met and got to get better aquainted with some i hadn't known quite so well. gained more respect for many. wow. i am so blessed to know some amazing people!

collapse. inevitable around 4:30am. sleeping on pad in one room. bodies of beautiful women everywhere. up around 8:30am, sunday came way too soon. visitation by the divine juice fairy, bagels, tea, water, leftovers, more chocolate.

drove in to the city briefly for a costume fitting that seemed not meant to be. address frailty, miscommunication and slight disappointment, smart enough to see the signs, this not so much meant to be. must get on the road, ominous clouds looming.

back home. make it most of the way in what seems like pretty mild weather. stop to eat and gas and enter a storm of epic proportions. get turned around without snow chains and head back to colfax. thankfully have diana gabaldon audio books to keep me company, sleeping in my car in colfax under the brutal glare of a strip mall parking lot light. because of the awesome weekend had my favorite pillow and a very warm blankie to keep me warm. what an adventure! i made it through and got home midday on monday. it was still fun and i wouldn't have traded a single moment of the entire weekend.

these are the things memories are made of =)

peace.

busy bee….

that’s me. i love this stage in the creative process. the fire arts festival is almost taking on a life of it’s own. feel free to click it’s link to read about that. wrote a grant last week and pondered it over the weekend before i promptly forgot about it in all the girly goodness that took place over the weekend, came home after some personal drama i will mention in a minute friday afternoon, then panicked because it was grant deadline day, but i got it in, in time. *whew*

so, last weekend, i drove to the bay area for some girly time. one of my burning man/ranger friends is getting married in march, and this was to be her bachelorette slumber party. it was a lot of fun. we have made a commitment to see each other more often and this would be a great goodness in my life.

on driving down, i procrastinated the morning, as the weather was looking dark and i didn’t want to encounter bad weather. when all looked as good as it was going to get and still be light outside, i made my way, enjoying the trees, the change of scenery from the starkness of the dryer side of the sierra’s, in nevada and eastern california heading into the mountains, then the damp looking but too dry and bare mountains near the tops of passes and finally the lush greenery descending into the sacramento valley. that drive will also be special and beautiful and represent to me all that’s great in the west and in my world…

eating. my god. did we eat at this girls retreat/weekend. there was one of those mile high chocolate things that looked home made. it was so divine that more than a few bites rendered one sugar coma-rific. and some of the yummiest soups i’ve ever eaten. veggie, thai, potato/bacony goodness. drinking, check. laughter, massage, hottub, and just friendliness! got to know some new people i’d never met and got to get better aquainted with some i hadn’t known quite so well. gained more respect for many. wow. i am so blessed to know some amazing people!

collapse. inevitable around 4:30am. sleeping on pad in one room. bodies of beautiful women everywhere. up around 8:30am, sunday came way too soon. visitation by the divine juice fairy, bagels, tea, water, leftovers, more chocolate.

drove in to the city briefly for a costume fitting that seemed not meant to be. address frailty, miscommunication and slight disappointment, smart enough to see the signs, this not so much meant to be. must get on the road, ominous clouds looming.

back home. make it most of the way in what seems like pretty mild weather. stop to eat and gas and enter a storm of epic proportions. get turned around without snow chains and head back to colfax. thankfully have diana gabaldon audio books to keep me company, sleeping in my car in colfax under the brutal glare of a strip mall parking lot light. because of the awesome weekend had my favorite pillow and a very warm blankie to keep me warm. what an adventure! i made it through and got home midday on monday. it was still fun and i wouldn’t have traded a single moment of the entire weekend.

these are the things memories are made of =)

peace.