life is moving on here and as generally seems to be the case with me, it isn’t that there’s nothing to say, it’s that there’s so much to say, it’s overwhelming because life keeps going on and i am busy as hell, but loving life, too. i am in a pretty good place regarding my mom. i feel a lot of guilt. i do think she was ready and although i think it was in her nature to fight for her life, she was very tired and very done. but i will always carry the guilt that i didn’t take her to the hospital sooner. i just hope i am not judged too harshly for that. i have to live with it and in some ways, it continues to haunt me. today is a bad grief day, as we approach the weekend of my sisters birthday, the first without her. i don’t think i can fill her shoes, i can only be who i am. i hope that’s enough….somehow i think it will always be just shy of what someone thinks it should be, but all i can do is do my best.
i have been very busy doing web editing and stuff for the fire troupe i have become involved with. it’s a ton of fun and we are working on choreography for the upcoming season. right now i am in a fire fan piece that’s a tribal bellydance fusion number that’s shaping up nicely, but i have no more hair on my arms =) tonight is the first night for the new semester of my bellydance class, and i have fans practice tues-thurs and regular fire practive wednesdays, which leaves monday my only night i am not out of the house for something during the week! exhausting yes, but very worth it, my body feels great and it’s awesome! i wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. we are also doing fundraising both with the fire troupe and an art project we hope to take to burning man this next year. i built that website too….wanna see? here it is: http://www.shivavista.com let me know what you think. the creative bit on the front page i helped write and i built the entire site from scratch. there isn’t a huge amount there, but it still took a bit of time.
i am also going to be the stage manager this year for the drum, dance, and didgeridoo festival that takes place near the end of the month long arts festival that gets held in my town during july. it’s going to be so awesome! the webpage for the festival does not do it justice, i should ask her if i can do a different one, because the person who does hers i don’t think really wants to do it. something to think about =) so, we have a bunch of exciting new artists coming this year that i had a huge hand in getting here, and i am very excited! we are doing fundraising for this festival too, and earlier this week scouted out a great club that we think will be an awesome venue for us.
my daughter seems to have pretty much given up on school in the secondary sense and wants to get her ged and go to college. i am trying not to be too judgmental about this decision, but it’s very hard. i suppose she is now her own person, but i am disappointed. she seems to feel easily persecuted and i hope that soon she learns a personal sense of responsibility for her fate and the things that happen to her. i don’t want to write anymore about that.
work is moving right along too…..
all the time i have spent doing this other stuff means less time for relationships, but i think that’s okay. i am still on good terms and things continue to go well both with d and s, my girl. we haven’t been able to be together a whole lot since my mom passed, but have managed enough time to stay connected and we will just see how things go. yesterday, an old depeche mode song came on that struck home with me. "though it’s not love, it means something…."
i think i will leave things there for right now.
peace.
